Oh dear, we’ve come to the end of day 2 with the childminder and again you’ve been upset.
I so desperately don’t want her to hate you. I don’t want her to think you’re the difficult baby.
I love you so very much and know she never will but I want her to like you. To see your adorable smile.
I want her to like playing with you and to help you to develop.
I just want you to be safe and happy in her care.
I know it’s not her. I see her all the time at school and all the other children are happy.
It’s such early days and I know you need time to adjust but it breaks my heart that you are so sad in the day. She’s told me that today whilst you were out and about you were better but from 3pm you cried. She reassures me theres no tears but still you are obviously distressed.
You’ve barely drunk the breastmilk that I have left for you but she said you’ve eaten so that’s good I suppose.
I wish you could understand why I have to leave you there. I leave you there because I love you and want to be the best person I can be by going to work.
Please don’t change little guy, it’ll be ok. We can work through this.
Today is the day. Today I had to do it. I had to hand over my baby to someone else. Someone who doesn’t love him. Someone I pay to keep him safe so I can work.
I kissed his head.
I walked away and didn’t look back.
I heard him cry, which turned into his panicked crying.
I kept walking.
He must think I’ve abandoned him.
What if he thinks I don’t love him?
What if he thinks I’m not coming back?
I walked back into the house as I’m working from home this morning and there was his empty pram.
I’d taken a picture of him just 10 minutes earlier when he was happy. I don’t know why. I just thought I’d forget him if I didn’t.
I looked at the picture, it made me sad.
I’m trying not to think about him.
I can’t spend the whole day crying.
I desperately want to just go and pick him up but I can’t.
I want to text the childminder every 10 minutes to see how he is, but I can’t.
I want it to be 3pm so that hubby can go and get him early, but it’s not.
Today is going to be hard.
I know he won’t remember this time as the other two don’t but I know that his heart is hurting too not knowing where his mummy has gone.
To the future you…baby boy if I didn’t have to leave you I wouldn’t but I need to work. You’ll be ok baby boy, we can do this. We will do this. It will get better x
Dearest Baby,
Our last week together has begun. I know all too soon time will pass and it will be over. My maternity leave will be coming to an end and I’ll be back to work. You don’t even realise it’s happening.
We’ve been together for 9 months. From the moment I lifted you up from the birth pool we’ve been a team. (If you want to watch the birth or read about my other home birth then click here or here)
You’ve had to fit in with your two older brothers. You were thrown full force into family life and you’ve been amazing.
As our time together comes to a close I’m trying to be happy and not sad. Happy that we are both starting new chapters in life. My new chapter is a new job and a new role. Your new chapter being separated from me and going into someone else care during the day.
You’d think being my third baby that it would get easier. But leaving you with someone else thats not family or friends is always hard. I know you’ll get upset. I know there will be tears, but we can do this. We both have to be strong. Given time you’ll settle into a new routine. You will get used to the new faces and who is who. I just need to trust it’s for the best.
I’m still breastfeeding you so I’ll make milk for you whilst I’m at work and given it to the people looking after you so that you can still benefit from all the good stuff. Hopefully you’ll take it ok from a bottle. If I could not be separated from you I would do it another way, but I can’t.
For now it has to be this way. I need to get back into something that will challenge me, something rewarding. I am looking forward to work but my heart will always ache to be with you as you are still so little. Just like I still miss your brothers whilst they are at school.
Days may seem long for you at first but I promise mummy will return. I’ll return to scoop you up and hold you in my arms at the end of every day. I’ll still be there at bedtime. You will be back with everyone in our home each night.
You can do it little dude.
Mummy will miss you but it’l be ok.
Just remember mummy loves you unconditionally forever and always xx
My last baby was born in November last year. I can’t believe he’s already 9 months.
I had a home birth (my second) and the video has been up on youtube for quite a while now but I don’t think I’ve ever linked it to my blog so thought I’d put out a quick post with a signpost to the video.
If you want to read about my second babies home birth story then I’ll point you to this post.
I’m glad we filmed it. I love reliving the day. It was amazing. I’m sad I’ll never get to do it again so at least I can rematch it whenever I want to.
If it’s your kind of thing then here is the link. I hope it inspires other potential home birthing mums. I’m always happy to talk about home birth so if you have questions get in touch.
This past week I went to Friendsfest with my mum. This is not a paid post or an advert. I paid for the tickets as any other person had but wanted to put up a post mainly of the pictures as we had such a great time! If you are interested in visiting then you can find the friendsfest website here.
Friendsfest is a small travelling festival incorporating set mock ups and real props from the sitcom Friends. It happens to be one of my all time favourite TV shows and I still find it as funny now as when it first aired back in the 90’s.
If you want to watch Friends all 10 series are currently on Netflix.
I’ve also put together a vlog of our trip which I’ve linked below if you wasn’t to have a watch!
But for now here’s our highlights!
We started our trip in Central Perk where we were able to stand behind the counter, sing smelly cat and sit on the famous couch!
This scene of course is very famous and if you know Friends then you’ll be shouting ‘PIVOT’ right now in your head!
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Could I BE any more cheesy with my grin?
If you want to watch the vlog about our trip to Friendsfest click below
Well I’m not really sure how I got to this birthday but my eldest turn 7 in August this year. How can the first six months of his life pass so slowly yet the rest of the 6.5 years whizz by? Thought I’d write him a little letter all for him.
Dear Thomas,
Well it’s been a few weeks since your birthday. Your 7th birthday, how did we get this far this quickly. It only seems like last month I was smelling your tiny little baby self. Trying to soak up the smell. Then there was the sleepless nights. The utter shock of becoming a first time mum. The exhaustion while I sat up night after night to breastfeed you. If only I knew what I know now about safely bed sharing with you. The time would have been more enjoyable.
I barely remember you being little now. Apart form the photographs I have. I wish in hindsight I’d got more photos of us together. Of us feeding or cuddling. I barely have any.
When I think of you as a small person I just remember how fluent you were. You’ve always preferred adult company and conversation. You have always been old before your time.
You are a turning into a bright beautiful little dude whom I’m proud of every day. I’m trying so hard to teach you to be grateful for all we have. Sometimes though when you say it, it comes across as boastful. I know you don’t mean it like that though.
You have done so well in school but your handwriting still needs work!
For your birthday you had your first ever party with school friends. You went to see the Incredibles 2 at the cinema with 3 friends plus Felix (who is your absolute shadow and idolises you!). Due to having Roo I couldn’t come in but you all said you enjoyed it. Cinema was followed by lunch at Pizza Hut and again I ended up watching through the window. Next year little man I will be able to be more present for you I promise!
(I’ve blurred out your friends faces as I didn’t ask their parents permission and never want to assume)
We bought you an iPad as your present. You’ve been asking for either an iPad or a Nintendo switch for months. Both were a stretch and a very expensive present but you’ve been good and I love spoiling you. I’d also rather you had something educational so an iPad it was, you’ll get more out of it than a Nintendo Switch!
I hope that you enjoyed your special day and that you will remember it growing up.
You will forever be our first born and we hope that because you are the oldest we don’t expect too much of you.
We are proud of you everyday.
Just remember mummy loves you always and forever unconditionally.
Happy Birthday!
Mummy x
How am I going to survive the summer holidays? This is a question I’ve asked myself a lot in the run up to school finishing.
Yet I have to do it. I have to survive each day when theres just me and three people to keep entertained.
Ive have a few days booked out to see friends, which at least is something.
Hubby is off for a few days here and there too which also helps.
I think the thing that gets to me most is the loneliness. No other adult company during the day. It makes the days long. The hours are ticking by slowly.
I know I should be trying to make the most of the days with the children that I am blessed to have but it doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make the constant ‘mum, mum,mum, mum…’ any less.
I wish I could do more with each of them. My 7 year old wants to play board games. But we can’t usually because the baby is there needing attention or grabbing the pieces. The 4 year old wants to play outside on the scooter or bike but I can’t do that by myself as I need to entertain the baby.
I keep seeing the phrase on facebook that we only have 18 summers with our children. Strictly thats not true, we have lots of summers with them but maybe not all while they are little.
The other prohibitive factor of course is money. Everything we tend to want to do to entertain ourselves costs money. Even a simple lunch outside the house costs money.
I’m trying to be grateful and thankful but its hard. Trying to cling onto the small things each day but it’s hard.
Theres no real point to the post but to record my feelings. If it makes one less person feel as bad as I do. Or realise that maybe there are others fighting their own summer holiday battles then today I’m winning.
We can do it mum’s (and dads).
I’m not going to pretend its easy. I’m not going to be that instagram perfect family, but I do promise to appreciate the small moments. The small victories where they are having fun and enjoying their summer.
We can and will survive the summer holidays.
But for now I have to go as yet again they are hungry……
Today is the NHS’s 70th birthday! Happy birthday to our NHS which was started not far from where I am currently based in Trafford.
For all my working career I have worked for the NHS. Have worked for the NHS now for 18 years. In September I will be going back to work for the NHS in a new role for me at a different trust than I currently am employed at and I cannot wait. As I enter my 19th year I will be starting at the bottom of a very tall learning curve.
Everyday at work I see staff going above and beyond their roles to help people.
It takes a special sort of someone to work in the NHS.
This past weekend unfortunately yet again we had to use the wonderful NHS emergency services, wards and operating theatres when my 4 year old injured himself.
Everyone we encountered was lovely, kind and caring.
I know it’s not always the case, I have come across people in the past who clearly don’t enjoy their jobs or were having bad days but on the whole I have always had nothing but praise for the staff.
For a health service its amazing, we are so lucky to have it. Free at point of access. There when you need it for emergencies or non-emergencies.
To all the wonderful staff who work there, in such difficult situations. To everyone who daily is reminded of the financial pressure we work under. For anyone who’s ever made a patient smile. From consultants to cleaners who daily dedicate their lives to others, thank you. Thank you for everything you do.
Happy 70th Birthday to our NHS today!
Today we’ve teamed up with PJ Masks Youth Sport Trust campaign.
I’m sure if you have little ones unless you’ve had your head in a cave you’ll know who PJ Masks are! If you don’t have children I’ll explain! PJ Masks are a trio of crime fighting heroes who go out in the night (in their PJ costumes) to help fight crimes. If you’ve got children you’re likely singing the catchy theme tune in your head right now…..the night, is the right time, to fight crime!
Felix’s favourite is Gekko! So he was delighted with the Gekko costume he’d been sent! There was lots of running around pretending to be his favourite PJ wearing super hero in the garden.
He was exited to have been asked to take part in activities this week to help promote National School Sports Week. It takes place from 25th June to 29th June 2018.
The Youth Sport Trust has joined up with eOne’s PJ Masks toys to help children in the UK grow up healthy.
Did you know for children aged 2-5 in the UK the chief medical officer recommends 3 hours of physical activity a day. That’s why PJ Masks are promoting #PJMasksPowerOf3 . Physical activity can include loads of different things. It doesn’t have to just be a traditional ‘exercise’ activity. It’s important to make it fun to keep children enjoying the activities.
The fun pack we were kindly sent to help promote National School Sports Week included lots of ideas to get children active.
The PJ Masks bubble bucket was a great hit. Bubbles feature a lot in our play as I love them. They are environmentally friendly as well as beautiful to look at. You can incorporate bubbles in lot of games. Chasing them, catching them. Running with a bubble wand in your hand. Lots and lots of way to use bubbles to get active over the summer.
The PJ masks bowling set was also a big hit with both the boys.
The takeaway message for National School Sports Week, really is to get out, get active and most importantly have fun! Why not try to get your school or nursery involved this week?
