Some days boys I do wonder if I am ever enough for you?
I want to be the best mum I can be for you, I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to remember how hard I try everyday to be there for you.
I want to be able to spend time with each of you. Helping with homework, listening to you read. Helping with phonics and counting. Taking you swimming or teaching you to ride your bike. I want to always say ‘yes’ to your requests but often I can’t and I’m sorry boys.
But life’s so busy, work takes a lot of the week for me and your dad. Then time at home is taken up with house work. But I try, I try very hard to make it fun. I can’t ignore the housework or we’d live in a mess. If I didn’t sort the uniforms and your bags and things you wouldn’t have what you need for the week.
The there’s the flip side of being an employee. Am I doing enough at work. Is my mind distracted by thoughts of the boys and what’s the next thing I have to rush home to get them to on time. Do I give enough of myself to my job? Often I don’t feel like I am doing. Maybe I should do more but I don’t know how. I want to be the best I can be but it never feels like I am doing.
Am I doing enough for my friends. I’m certainly not keeping in touch enough. I’ve missed birthdays and anniversaries and that’s not what a friend should do.
I have so much I want to do, so much creativity. Theres so many vlogs I want to edit and publish to get your memories out there for you to keep forever but I just can’t find the time.
How do I make myself more productive, where can I find the extra time from? Should I start staying up later to cram more in?
So I’m sorry boys, I’m sorry for when I have to say no. I’m sorry for all the times I have to say ‘not now’, or ‘I’m too busy’. Please just know that I want to say yes but I just can’t let things slide and end up dropping a ball on my constant juggle to get everything right for you.