Two days complete at the childminder…it’s not going well

by ⋅ Leave a Comment

Oh dear, we’ve come to the end of day 2 with the childminder and again you’ve been upset.

I so desperately don’t want her to hate you. I don’t want her to think you’re the difficult baby.

I love you so very much and know she never will but I want her to like you. To see your adorable smile.

I want her to like playing with you and to help you to develop.

I just want you to be safe and happy in her care.

I know it’s not her. I see her all the time at school and all the other children are happy.

It’s such early days and I know you need time to adjust but it breaks my heart that you are so sad in the day. She’s told me that today whilst you were out and about you were better but from 3pm you cried. She reassures me theres no tears but still you are obviously distressed.

You’ve barely drunk the breastmilk that I have left for you but she said you’ve eaten so that’s good I suppose.

I wish you could understand why I have to leave you there. I leave you there because I love you and want to be the best person I can be by going to work.

Please don’t change little guy, it’ll be ok. We can work through this.

Leaving my baby with the Childminder

by ⋅ Leave a Comment

Off to the Childminder

Today is the day. Today I had to do it. I had to hand over my baby to someone else. Someone who doesn’t love him. Someone I pay to keep him safe so I can work.

I kissed his head.

I walked away and didn’t look back.

I heard him cry, which turned into his panicked crying.

I kept walking.

He must think I’ve abandoned him.

What if he thinks I don’t love him?

What if he thinks I’m not coming back?

I walked back into the house as I’m working from home this morning and there was his empty pram.

I’d taken a picture of him just 10 minutes earlier when he was happy. I don’t know why. I just thought I’d forget him if I didn’t.

Image of the baby, sitting in the pram. Smiling and happy in the daylight

I looked at the picture, it made me sad.

I’m trying not to think about him.

I can’t spend the whole day crying.

I desperately want to just go and pick him up but I can’t.

I want to text the childminder every 10 minutes to see how he is, but I can’t.

I want it to be 3pm so that hubby can go and get him early, but it’s not.

Today is going to be hard.

I know he won’t remember this time as the other two don’t but I know that his heart is hurting too not knowing where his mummy has gone.

To the future you…baby boy if I didn’t have to leave you I wouldn’t but I need to work. You’ll be ok baby boy, we can do this. We will do this. It will get better x