Off to the Childminder
Today is the day. Today I had to do it. I had to hand over my baby to someone else. Someone who doesn’t love him. Someone I pay to keep him safe so I can work.
I kissed his head.
I walked away and didn’t look back.
I heard him cry, which turned into his panicked crying.
I kept walking.
He must think I’ve abandoned him.
What if he thinks I don’t love him?
What if he thinks I’m not coming back?
I walked back into the house as I’m working from home this morning and there was his empty pram.
I’d taken a picture of him just 10 minutes earlier when he was happy. I don’t know why. I just thought I’d forget him if I didn’t.
I looked at the picture, it made me sad.
I’m trying not to think about him.
I can’t spend the whole day crying.
I desperately want to just go and pick him up but I can’t.
I want to text the childminder every 10 minutes to see how he is, but I can’t.
I want it to be 3pm so that hubby can go and get him early, but it’s not.
Today is going to be hard.
I know he won’t remember this time as the other two don’t but I know that his heart is hurting too not knowing where his mummy has gone.
To the future you…baby boy if I didn’t have to leave you I wouldn’t but I need to work. You’ll be ok baby boy, we can do this. We will do this. It will get better x