Oh dear, we’ve come to the end of day 2 with the childminder and again you’ve been upset.
I so desperately don’t want her to hate you. I don’t want her to think you’re the difficult baby.
I love you so very much and know she never will but I want her to like you. To see your adorable smile.
I want her to like playing with you and to help you to develop.
I just want you to be safe and happy in her care.
I know it’s not her. I see her all the time at school and all the other children are happy.
It’s such early days and I know you need time to adjust but it breaks my heart that you are so sad in the day. She’s told me that today whilst you were out and about you were better but from 3pm you cried. She reassures me theres no tears but still you are obviously distressed.
You’ve barely drunk the breastmilk that I have left for you but she said you’ve eaten so that’s good I suppose.
I wish you could understand why I have to leave you there. I leave you there because I love you and want to be the best person I can be by going to work.
Please don’t change little guy, it’ll be ok. We can work through this.
Our last week together has begun. I know all too soon time will pass and it will be over. My maternity leave will be coming to an end and I’ll be back to work. You don’t even realise it’s happening.
We’ve been together for 9 months. From the moment I lifted you up from the birth pool we’ve been a team. (If you want to watch the birth or read about my other home birth then click here or here)
You’ve had to fit in with your two older brothers. You were thrown full force into family life and you’ve been amazing.
As our time together comes to a close I’m trying to be happy and not sad. Happy that we are both starting new chapters in life. My new chapter is a new job and a new role. Your new chapter being separated from me and going into someone else care during the day.
You’d think being my third baby that it would get easier. But leaving you with someone else thats not family or friends is always hard. I know you’ll get upset. I know there will be tears, but we can do this. We both have to be strong. Given time you’ll settle into a new routine. You will get used to the new faces and who is who. I just need to trust it’s for the best.
I’m still breastfeeding you so I’ll make milk for you whilst I’m at work and given it to the people looking after you so that you can still benefit from all the good stuff. Hopefully you’ll take it ok from a bottle. If I could not be separated from you I would do it another way, but I can’t.
For now it has to be this way. I need to get back into something that will challenge me, something rewarding. I am looking forward to work but my heart will always ache to be with you as you are still so little. Just like I still miss your brothers whilst they are at school.
Days may seem long for you at first but I promise mummy will return. I’ll return to scoop you up and hold you in my arms at the end of every day. I’ll still be there at bedtime. You will be back with everyone in our home each night.
You can do it little dude.
Mummy will miss you but it’l be ok.
Just remember mummy loves you unconditionally forever and always xx