The last three days have been awful, Flixster has been on a breastfeeding (nursing) strike. It’s been awful. Before the strike started we would feed each morning when he woke around 5am, then sometimes during the day if he asked for it by snuggling into me then often a quick feed in the later afternoon when he was tired, or if we were out and about and needed a little snack, a breastfeed would do the trick and relieve the immediate hunger.

Then all of a sudden he stopped feeding. It was like he’d never ever ever fed from me before. When I offered him the first morning he turned away. I offered again and he bit me hard and then just turned away again. He just wouldn’t feed, but I wasn’t that bothered as I thought I’d just feed him later in the day. But later came and he still wouldn’t feed. By now I just tried not to think about it, I thought the more I stressed about him not feeding the more he’d pick up on it.

As Flixster is now 14 months old my breasts never feel full anymore so I didn’t feel the need to express any milk off to comfort. If you were exclusively breastfeeding it would be advisable to express at normal feeding times if baby goes through a feeding strike so that the strike wouldn’t affect the supply and to avoid blocked ducts or even worse mastitis.

The next day came and went and still Flixster wouldn’t feed, he just kept refusing, turning away, trying to get away, even morning snuggles weren’t persuading him to feed. That was our special time together and now I couldn’t even offer him my milk.

By now I was worrying that this was the end of our journey, I wasn’t ready to stop feeding, inside I was crying. Desperately wishing I’d paid more attention to the last feed we had together, paid more attention to the way he looked at me. The way his tiny hand gently stroked me as I fed him. I’d missed it, I’d missed our last breastfeed together and now it was gone. The chapter was ending and I’d missed it.

By day three I told myself I had to start accepting that it was probably over. With a heavy heart I offered a feed again in the morning and again it was refused.

Today I went along to the breastfeeding group as normal, hoping against hope that if Flixster saw other babies feeding he might remember what to do, might remember our special snuggly morning cuddles. He didn’t, I offered at group and he refused, point-blank refused. I could have cried right there and then. The amazing lady who runs the group suggested I expressed a little milk off and tried to get it onto his lips. I gently hand expressed some milk and dropped it onto his mouth which wasn’t easy with him turning away. At first I don’t think he noticed, I did it again and he licked it off. All of a sudden I almost saw his brain click into action, he turned to me and I took the opportunity to get him into position to feed him. He latched on, I could have cried again. He was feeding, he was actually feeding from me. I hadn’t missed my last feed. I breathed it all in, I gazed at his face. I wanted to kiss his cheek (but couldn’t as I didn’t want him to unlatch!) All thanks to the amazing lady who runs the group I hope that the end hasn’t come and that we can carry on feeding. If it wasn’t for her advice right there and then at that moment then my journey may have taken a different turn.

Later in the day I managed to feed him again and I took a photograph, just in case it was my last ever feed, just in case I never ever breastfeed my baby again, I wanted to remember this very special occasion, from now on I won’t take his feeding for granted. I will be paying attention and enjoying every single feed and I make no apologies for posting my breastfeeding baby picture, he’s my baby and I am proud to still be feeding him. I won’t be aware when our last feed happens but just in case the next one is the last one I’ll be paying attention.

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Let's Talk Mommy

Things I’ve learnt this month.

1)I defiantly don’t take enough photos of the boys together, or more likely the ones I do take are all blurry and difficult to capture. I know that you are both so young but maybe I need to keep the DSLR handy insisted of just my phone, so that I can take loads of shots.
2) I need to take more photos!

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So my offerings for siblings this month isn’t massive which makes me a little bit sad. You’re relationship is growing in ways I’d never have dreamed and I love it, I really do.

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We still go to breastfeeding group every week where I am a peer support volunteer and now that I’ve swapped my work days I have to take both of you. This is sometimes hard work as you can both be quite demanding at times but in recent weeks it’s been lovely to watch you play together with the toys. I’ve watched you crawl around in the tents and play together with the toy kitchen which has given me some time to take to all the new lovely mummies.

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The boy you still love hugging and kissing Flixster but I know he’s not as keen. You do tend to ‘over hug’ though if there is such a thing. Flixster will tolerate a quick hug but your’s are rather long and squeezy! So by the time I’ve grabbed my camera the moment is over.

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Boy you’ve really go the knack of making Flixster laugh now though, it’s so adorable. You find something that makes him laugh and you do it over and over and over again and that buys me a little time sometimes to make lunch or pack the bag for the day, so thank you for that!

My favourite photograph of you together this month though is one I quickly snapped in a shoe shop. We went to buy Flixsters first shoes (another milestone in your little life) as we were leaving Flixster was looking in the mirror as he walked towards it all excited and fell down. Within seconds the boy was there hugging him and checking he was ok. I love the photo not because it’s focussed well or its a canvas worthy capture but because its shows the growing love betters you both. A love I can’t wait to watch grow and grow.

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dear beautiful

Artificial Grass on decking right outside the back doors is something I had thought about for a while but until I did it I didn’t realise how amazing it would be. I’m always doing jobs around our house, I never feel like I’ve finished decorating, building or doing. As soon as I finish one job its on to the next. This week I’ve started project picnic! I had samples sent out of artificial grass to try on the decking before deciding which one to order.

Artificial Grass on Decking – How I did it

For years after we moved into this house I wanted to have a deck outside to sit on and enjoy the south-facing garden for food, drinks and reading. When I was pregnant with the boy, I put plans into place, ordered the materials and my wonderful father in law and husband built it for me. I loved it. It has a rail around the outside and gates so the boys are safe. When the boy was little I’d rock his pram out there and sit out there in the evenings. We never let him crawl out there as I was worried about him getting splinters. This wasn’t a problem as he didn’t have anyone else to see running in and out. Now that he’s bigger its lovely to throw the door open, let the air and sun come in and let him play in and out. I have the issue now though that Flixster is on the move and is moaning like mad and wanting to go outside too, wanting to follow his big brother so I had to solve the problem of splinters and creating a safe play space. A few weeks ago I thought I’d give some anti-slip paint a try so I bought some lovely grey decking paint and set about painting the deck.

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It looked great and with older children I would have probably left it like that after a second coat, but the paint didn’t solve the problem. Poor little Flixsters hands and knees were still getting hurt on the wood. So I looked around at various options, mainly on pinterest (which I absolutely love!) and came across the idea of artificial grass. At first I wrote it off as a daft idea, I thought it would look strange. But the more research I did the more the idea was growing on me. I liked the idea of walking straight out of the door onto the soft green grass no matter what the weather was. I shopped around and decided to get some samples to help me choose. I went for a mid priced grass and ordered a 4m x 4m piece large enough to cover the deck. It arrived within 48 hours of the order which was great and delivery was free.

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I did my research and found out that to put the artificial grass down on decking boards you just need to make sure the deck is treated and obviously flat. Then all you do is cut to size and screw it down onto the boards using green decking screws.

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The boy was excited to stay up and help (which is why he is in his pjs for the photos!) We rolled the grass out (exactly like a carpet) cut it to size with a knife and hubby screwed it down with the boys help.

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Just like that within half an hour it was down and looked great, I don’t know why I ever doubted that it would look good. I’m so pleased with it and would recommend it to anyone with children who wants a safe non slip alternative on top of decking. Here’s hoping for many sunny days where we can picnic out on our forever green grass!

Artificial grass on decking artificial grass on decking IMG_4951The final thing I want to do is paint the rail around the edge. I’ve bought some lovely cornflower blue paint which I hope will go well, I just need some nice light dry child free nights to get it all done!

 

Dear Boys,

Before you were born or even thought about your daddy and I loved each other.
We met at work as we both worked within the same department. Doing completely different jobs but under the same roof. We were friends for many years and would go out on nights out with work together. I always thought your daddy was funny and sweet but never thought of us as a couple together. It was many years later that he finally plucked up the courage to ask me on a date. I’ll be forever grateful that he did and that our love story started right there and then. You are both a part of that too, our love story didn’t end with you, it’s still going strong and growing bigger and bigger digging its roots deeper into the soil of life. We both love you so much and are proud everyday that we created such special little people who are growing so quickly before our eyes and continuing to amaze us everyday.
Boy this week I went to the first meeting at your school. I wasn’t sure if it was something you could attend as it started at 6pm. There were a few other children there but I knew that you’d be getting tired right around that time and so I thought it best you stayed at home. I do wish though I could have let you see your new classroom. The evening started with an introduction from the head teacher. She seems nice and part of the reason I chose the school for you. It has a lovely family feel and I hope that you’ll fit right in there. We were given lots of hand outs about various aspects of school life. They explained the school day and what you’d be doing when. Lunch is at 11:30 and we can choose the menu together from home in advance. I think you’ll love the dinners they sound really nice and the catering staff said it was all cooked on site which is good. In the morning there’s a little space for some worship which is nice and the reason I waned you to go to a church school. Even if you decide religion isn’t for you that’s ok, just use that time to reflect and be grateful for the day ahead. After lunch you get some tooth brushing time, this I thought was a good practise and I was also glad to read about hand washing before lunch. Is it too much to send you with some alcohol gel? I think my healthcare background has passed on the importance of good hand hygiene to you! Even Flixster knows the drill when it comes to alcohol gel before eating!
There were uniforms there to view too and an order form. I need to get on with ordering them for you, it just seems like a big thing to do! Your uniform will be grey trousers, a white polo shirt which can be monogrammed but it’s not compulsory, along side a red school jumper with the school logo on it. Theres also a PE kit to buy, book bag and kit bag. It’s all so exciting yet scary!
I’ve arranged for your teacher to come and meet you in a few weeks at home. I couldn’t find out if your teacher was male or female as the reception classes have one of each. You asked me to find out two things at the meeting, what sex your teacher is or in your words “Is the person going to be a man or a girl?” and what your password will be for the computer, hopefully when they visit it will all become clear. I did ask though if you were to have a computer password and apparently not until you move up the school so that should put your mind at rest. I had a look at your classroom and it seems like a lovely environment for you to grow in. That was the part I wish you’d seen. When I’d finished I came home to find you waiting for me, but you’d fallen asleep on the sofa. It’s the first time you’ve ever done that in your life and it reminded me just how little you still are. Being an August baby I worry about how you will keep up with your peers.

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Flixster you just get cheekier and funnier everyday at the moment. You’ve taken your very first steps. Its slow and steady progress at the moment but you’ll get there. I think it’s almost the same date as your brother did. He was walking around 13 months just like you are. On Tuesday you took 3 consecutive steps at the breastfeeding group we go to. I wish I’d caught it on camera. I’ll try to catch you this weekend if I can so that you will be able to watch it back when you’re older. I love all the new things your learning. Each morning I get a hug from you and I love it.
I love kissing your chubby little cheeks.
However I don’t love you waking up between 3 & 4am each day. Please please please can you sleep just a little bit longer in the morning. We always bring you up into our room when you wake and I lie down to feed you but that’s it then, you’re up and about and raring to go, ready to menace us.
You know your own mind and you are very strong-willed, you know what you want even if you’re not supposed to have it! I love watching you grow up so fast before my very eyes. You adore the boy and the relationship between you both is fantastic to watch. I hope you will be close together for many many years and support each other in all you do.

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The boy told me the other day that he loves having a brother, my heart melted when he said it. He’s such a sweet caring boy. You both are.
I’m hoping to make it a summer to remember but please forgive me if we don’t get it quite right. I want you to enjoy your last summer before school as once you starts I’ll miss my days with you so much. So lets enjoy the long summer days and try to get out and about as much as possible.
Please always remember I love you both unconditionally….forever.
Mummy